Heliosail is Finally Here
Words cannot possibly capture how I am feeling today. I am joyous, overwhelmed, proud, humbled, and terrified all at once. This game is, in many ways, a very personal reflection of my heart and soul. I could have released it years ago, when it was "playable" for the first time, but I held back. I knew that it had not yet bloomed into the rose that I could see within it.
This game has changed me in a profound way over the years I've devoted to it. When I started this process, I was in my mid twenties, severely depressed, being entirely supported by my father, and completely unable to see a future for myself. Since that time, I have moved halfway across the country, put my depression in full remission, come out as nonbinary, changed my name, written a novel, and now fully support myself. I am unrecognizable from my younger self. I used to be unable to make new friends, and now I have a whole group of people I met and bonded with over TTRPGs. I used to have screaming, crying meltdowns over my math homework well into high school. Now, I understand mathematics, statistics and probabilities with ease, and know that I am AuDHD. I used to be constantly anxious that if I ever did the wrong thing, no matter how slight, I would be rejected by the people in my life. Now, I can sit down at a work meeting and accept discipline without crying (Sometimes.)
I used to not have the energy to do more than two things in a week. Now, I am running out of days in my calendar for everything I want to do.
I cannot credit all of this change to one project, of course, but this game really has been a guiding force through this chapter of my life. I've been in a sort of dance with it, where I began to create answers to my anxieties, and in turn, Heliosail gave me resolve and hope. I was worried about climate change, so I imagined a future where we go back and fix our mistakes. I felt like I didn't fit in, so I created a fantasy where I could run away on a ship and be queer with all my friends. I was anxious about surviving in this capitalist world, so I imagined a society that tries to take care of everyone in it.
I fell into a comfortable pattern, where I could experience the joy of puzzle-solving that is the design process, and literally build the world that I wanted for myself.
And so, the truth is that, while I am excited and proud beyond words to finally let the world see my work, I am kind of mourning too. There will be more Heliosail to work on; I am already planning more content for the game, and will continue to try to spread it to those who will enjoy it most. But that is not the same. To achieve my dream for this work, I will need to develop a whole new set of skills. I feel rather like Sisyphus, having just reached the top of the hill only to realize that somehow I'm at the bottom once again. No matter how daunting I find the road ahead, though, I believe that Heilosail is worth it. Maybe it makes me sound conceited and self-important, but the truth is that I feel a drive and responsibility to make this project a success, as if it is for something greater than myself. It's like I'm pushing this boulder, not up a hill forever, but towards someone who badly needs it. I don't know who they are, but I am driven to reach them as if both our lives depend on it.
